So the schedule has been made public and hopefully you have spent the entire morning looking at matchups and feeling pride in your game of the week or breathing a sign of relief that you don’t have one yet. This year both Wildman’s Thomas Joel and myself will be co-writing Sundays in the Park. Being in the league for over ten years has given me a unique perspective on our favorite sport, mainly that I have been able to watch us all age. But really so many of us look and smell so much better now than when I met you a decade prior.
If you have something on your mind don’t be afraid to reach out I am a fan of suggestion. My Sundays in the park will cover the week’s best plays, best outfits and best performances on and off the field. Oh and yaah this year Sundays in the park is now with CATS! So if you gotta cat bring em! Let their meow ride high up the stands of Hobbs. I mean if dogs can enjoy Hobbs Park why can’t our feline friends.
Based entirely on conversations usually with a kickball or bubbles in hand and based on the two-page spread I read about the horses of the Kentucky Derby I give you my pre-season predictions and observations for KVKL 2014.
Carrie A Nation League
AsteroidHead – Now that you are vitalized by KANbucha does that mean you will be good the entire season and not just the upset team of the 2013 playoffs? Like your sponsor, the booch is scary to most, but once you try it you know how good it really is. Kinda like classic baseball pants and tie-dyes. Odds 23 to 1.
Das Boot – So I know that you lost your power Kimye (Chris / Molly) but you still got the Terminator who I challenge to kick five yes five balls over the Holcom fences this year. Heck why don’t you just kick one over Hobbs while you’re at it. Keep providing us with some delicious beer and your chances of winning the trophy will improve. Odds 14 to 1.
Hurts Donuts D-Holes – Captain Dover got engaged which gave Co-captain Arie Auxter a year to gather up some new Holes. Brewballer, and second sexiest hair speedster Colin has now joined the squad. Alex Hawman has also found marital bliss with his wife Megan Hawman, who should be back to the KVKL this summer after a receiving a nasty dodgeball injury earlier in the year. If the D-holes can keep the frosting cool on their donuts and not melt down in the tourney they are a team to watch. Odds 5 to 1.
The Up To Eleven Late Fees – That’s right I bought my team. Can you hear my power cackle from the top seat of Hobbs. Ahahahahaha. We are the only team in the league that owns two teams, which means we are rich rich rich for the love of our sport. We the Fees always win because we are always having the most fun. Speaking of fun we have added long-time Spacepussy prankster Joe Noh to our squad so be ready for even more mayhem from the late fees plus a promise of really good music during our games. Odds 666 to 1.
Merchants of Death – Winners of the 2013 illustrious Diana plate, the formers Teller’s team opened a new restaurant (Merchants) and now have a new name. We learned last year that captain Ryan Gaines managed to put together some totally bad-ass women on their team who elevated them to the reasonably awesome championship. Like their beer specials on Sunday these Merchants of Death gonna make you dizzy in the head. Odds 22 to 1.
Rats – Our one new team from 2013 is back and didn’t change their name (Scott Stewart thanks you for this). They managed to crush us all in the fall charity tournament and win one of our many esteemed Erin Adams / Chelsey Scanland original trophies. No more mister nice guy eh? The one question that remains to be answered will juice be joining the rats for 2014? Odds 32 to 1.
Spacepussy – Over the years many fantastic players have come from spacepussy (Betsy Hatch / Adam Mitchell/ Paul Santos/ Sean Wilson). The Pussy have always believed in making sure all players get a chance, and have a spot on their team. They also have been known to wear masks, costumes and run around the field with battle axes and other super hero actions. This year captain Kristin C-S is going to bring us a fairly new team for other teams to woo and bring to their team in 2015! Odds 32 sided dye to a four-studded gauntlet.
Terrebonne Po’boys – Biggest whores in the league. Every year finding a new local business sponsor who three out of the last four years has also won them the championship trophy. Will the dreamboats Hannah and Nicole bring the Po’Boys another trophy for 2014? Will Nick Devin ever wear sleeves? Can the brothers McKee have more ESPN sports center moments? Odds 3 to 1.
JOHN BROWN DIVISION
Basil Ride – No more slow ride take it easy jokes, its time for Basil Ride! Obviously Erin Adams and Justin Smith are going for a more tasty take on kickball this year. We are back to only a one Wiggins town, and by that we mean pitcher and speedster James Wiggins. I am hoping that cat lover Alexis C. will join us in bring your cat to Hobbs one of these days. Odds 23 to 1.
Channel 6 Toe Pokes – There was a lot of talk about this team being the most improved team for 2014. After watching the latest promo for the Not So Late Show and seeing Mike Andersons six-pack abs I guess its true. The teams got a case of the P90x’s and are ready to prove it on the field one ab-crunching base at a time. Odds 15 to 1.
Happy Shirt – Few teams can look at their roster and say hey I played with that guy eight years ago. Happy Shirt are the 49ers of the KVKL. Damn they are always so good but they can’t always seal the deal. Perhaps with the addition of former Love Garden Captain Chris Ford Happy Shirt might find their happy place. Now where’s our fucking dicktowels. Odds 2 to 1.
Mario Chalmersiz – don’t let their down and dirty twerki-ness fool you. They play to win. They aim to make that last second score every game just like their spirit guide Chalmers. If you hadn’t noticed this before, but the women of Chalmersiz have been getting fit like Miley Cyrus riding a wrecking ball. Has Candlepants hung up his honey bear suit? Or will he be pitching perfectly in 2014? Odds 7 to 1.
Murda Inc – Now that Dan M has got his auto correct working we know their team name is not actually MUrda but Murda Inc. Always a fan of the twelve chambers, Murda Inc led by Ninja Dan and the Jolly Big Balls murda inc, will CREAM some teams in the nicest of fashion. What color socks will they wow us with this season too? Odds 13 to 1.
Rockets – My positions with this team are constantly going up and down. First I think they have a shot at the top five then the sad news that Sarah Riley may of torn her meniscus. With no Riley and her wicked arm (and cute piercing) this means that Andy Frye will bring his Brian Wilson beard to the pitcher position. Can the golden cleats of James Findley break the rockets into the top ten? Odds 9 to 1.
Taco Tuesday – I am not sure why any team would want to switch from balls to tacos, but I also don’t eat meat so I might be missing the joy of greasy cheap tacos. Ive heard this is going to be a rebuilding year for the Balls Deep team, losing everyone’s favorite double d Derek Davis. Maybe with some late night Mexican food in their bellies victory will ensue. Odds 52 tacos to one crunchwrap.
Where’s My Pitches – The era of West Coast Saloon is no more. These guys wanna know where there pitches be coming from. Containing some of the finest players from the earlier years of the KVKL Where’s my Pitches are my wild card of the season. I do know there are a lot of dog owners on their team and the more doggies we can pet at game of the week the better! Odds 27 to 1.
WILLIAM S BURROUGH DIVISION
Bad News Bagels – The Bad News Bagels have put their former teammate Dirty Mike to bed this year and brought back the fun loving team of seasons past. This doesn’t mean they are gonna lay down and lose every game. Oh No trust me on this one when I say new captain Ben Wright is all about being a team player in the league (they are going to take over a game of the week concessions and offer us all breakfast!) this means they got their shit together and are planning on rising up the KVKL ranks with more victories this year. Odds 18 to 1.
Brewballers – We had a scare there for a moment when we heard they might not actually be fielding a team for 2014. Turns out Adrian just missed the captains meeting due to work and are back like an IPA that ends with a strong finish. Not sure if they have picked up any new recruits (well other than Sam Constance’s lil one) but always expect a seasoned team ready to rumble each Sunday. Odds 32 to 1.
Bulletproof Tigers – Each year I wonder whom Jason Hwang is going to play for. He is one player who has played for more teams than the Kardashian’s have slept with sports stars. Yet this year I got the text during the final night of team sign up that COUGAR was the co-captain of Bulletproof Tigers! Everyone’s favorite volunteer ref ringleader of the 7th inning stretch had found a permanent home! I’m sure this is how all my cats felt when I grabbed them from the human society. Speaking of cats insert self-depricating joke here cougar. Odds all the black panthers to 1.
Hotel Lobby – These guys are taking the party from the Afterparty to the Hotel Lobby this year. Does this make them a classier team? Or a team that is maturing, years of being in the upper middle of the pack after watching their bad ass video from the charity tournament this team is definitely going to push many of the top ten teams. Not to mention Alex Fox was the first team to buy balls from me this year. I consider that a good sign for the party to continue. Odds 11 to 1.
Kunt Punts – Over the years teams a few teams have opted to make their team more fun over more competitive (like when the ligers split into Bad News Bagels / Sacred Sword). Original member and winner of the almost ripped my tit off kicker Ariel Ludwig is now a D-Hole so Jana Banana and Dee Manger have gone from sucking Corks to kicking balls? Expect a team that knows Sundays are fundays and are most fun with beer in hand. Girl power! Odds 69 to 1.
Los Matadores – Hey everyone Paul Santos isn’t using the color red this year! Does this mean the matadors have given up their bloody dreams of victory? Absofuckinglutely not. This team has only gotten better. They lost a few players (half of the brothers Fitts) but from what I have heard have picked up the most sober members of the KU men’s rugby team who played fall ball last year. This team has got speed. Lots and lots of speed, between Heath Schechinger and Kenny Flanders it’s a sexy race to first base each and every time they bunt. Watch out folks Paul’s new color scheme is out to win it. Odds 4 to 1.
Screamers – This team was on the bubble last year with a major change in leadership we weren’t sure if they were gonna make it through the season. Then suddenly rising from the fiery ashes came Jason Freed and Taylor Gracelyn. This stylish power couple (you both always look soo good) took over as captain. They’ve added Jazzhaus pitcher Erin Hayden and have been practicing and playing city league so I expect them to cashing in with some big victories. Second generation KVKL players are on the rise! Odds 24 to 1.
Wildman Attack Force – 2012 Champs and from the way CJ Kie lovingly fondled the trophy, even after we knew balls had been dropped, we all know he wants it back in his ferocious grips. With the addition of Laeth Hamil (the Richard Sherman of the KVKL) and the intense fitness regime of many of the Wildmen, they expect nothing but the trophy to be back in their hands for 2014. Look for fast intense plays and airborne kicks that you better keep going deep deep deep for. Odds 2 to 1.
Free State Growlers – The team that seems to always get their shit together by the end of the season. Every year it seems they are vying for the reasonably awesome Diana plate, yet every year they also seem to have one game where we all go “wa happened.” Lesli Smith, pitcher extraordinaire and the best wearer of braids in the league continues to lead her team like one of free states many mottos “because everything goes better with beer.” Odds 34 to 1.
Ghosts – Last season the ghosts lost by one run on their quest to return the Diana plate to the Southwest corner of 7th and mass. In order to make up for this one run deficit, the Ghosts have picked up a whole new ms pacman crew, grabbing up Matt Cossgrove and Katie Keating from Spacepussy along with many members of the Sparkletown fall ball league who continue to patiently wait for a slot in the KVKL to open up. We all know that Diana and Mike, the original KVKL power couple know all the stats and rules to victory now its up to this team to boooooo-mshakalaka some wins. Odds 23 to 1.
Goats – The goats are the get in your head kinda team. If they get in your teams head, trust me you gonna lose. To prove it they took out reigning champs Wildman in the semi-finals last year. Sure they lost lil Laeth and his manpri’s but they have the wiley Shaher Ibrahimi and the dynamic duo of sisters Sara and Tricia Rock and speed bunter Lauren Pearce and it’s clear this team is one of our long standing family teams. Can commish Scott Stewart lead them to their first finale? That would be pretty cool. Odds 7 to 1.
Harper Valley PTA – In five to seven years this team is going to be the ones to watch. Every year their farm team of children gets bigger and stronger and are learning from Mom and Dad how the league works. But for right now its 2014 and the Harpies just want to have a good time. It’s about summer vacation and playing against friends and family week in and week out. Look for many members of this team to be our “grill masters” each game of the week , cooking dogs and slinging treats for our hungry stomachs. Also don’t be fooled their 3rd baseman is really good. Odds all of East Lawrence to 1.
Jazzhaus – Rick McNeely and his band of merry competitors are now in year three of getting the hang of the league. This is a team that has been working to find the mythical balance between fun and competitive and we shall see which direction the team is going after their first game against the goats. Odds 32 to 1.
Love Garden Squids – With the iconic Chris Ford jumping outta the love garden waters and onto team Happy Shirt for 2014, their limber first baseman Rob Zernikow is taking over the reigns of the KVKLs most strategically successful team. Adding Ghost members Liz and Anne Schaeffer plus soccer star Leboo and sporting KC coach Oumar they got a lotta sexy leg to compete with it could get squidnasty out there. Odds 5 to 1.
Red Lyon Tavern – The team that proudly never practices and makes beer drinking mandatory is back but with a few new playas. Having lost two of the sassiest ladies in the league Heather K and Traci Flores along with Mason Pine, the Lyon has gone and grabbed a few unproven players for the year. Of course these unproven teammates are former college softball and soccer stars. The big question that remains is will papa troy still shot gun beers in front of his sweet lil girl Isis. Odds 15 to 1.
Sacred Sword – Realizing reign of terror was a bit too brutal of a team name, so for 2014 the Sword is back. And speaking of back so is their 3rd basemen Pat Fielder. Longtime pitcher Katie Doss is out with child, so we are all wondering who is going to epically kick that final out to 1st base at GOTW this year? This team has forever been in the top ten and should continue down that path of glory. Odds 10 to 1.