Carrie A. Nation Division
Record: Overall (Div.) (Rank)

Author’s note. I attempted to be as stylistically consistent as possible, but I can tell you now there are occasional deviations, notably in referring to players’ positions and direct quotes in paragraph form. Yes, I can change it, and I undoubtedly will. For now, though, it seems most prudent to just hit Publish, because, you know—the season starts in five days.

– Thomas

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Asteroid HEAD vitalized by KanBuCHA, or: Astroid Head
2013 Record: 2-8 (1-6) (1-2)
Captain: Clint Thrasher

The face of the fourth-year AsteroidHEAD vitalized by KanBUCHA “is basically the same it has been for the last few years,” says Captain Clint Thrasher. Four familiar faces lead the team for the most part—Clint, Owen Cox, Caitlin Dix, and Dalton Paley—although “two of the original team members and members of the Asteroid Head art collective who originally formed the team still suit up each Sunday: Clinton Ricketts and Jason Barrrrrrrrrrr” (emphasis added).

Clint continues: “There will be a few new faces this year as well, but the nature of the team remains the same. We pride ourselves on not taking anything too seriously and having fun but try to be as competitive as possible most weekends. We also are known for our infamous handmade tie-dyed uniforms, which harken back to our art collective roots.”

This year, though, it has brought along one major addition: The team is now sponsored, no, vitalized, by locally produced Kanbucha, “an organic effervescent tea made by native Lawrencian Elliot Pees.” If AsteroidHEAD can harness the power of Kanbucha, it could give fits to a handful of teams in the Carrie A. Nation division. After a lackluster 2013 season, it could definitely use the boost, but its up-and-down-ness over the past two years makes it even harder to predict.

First Seven Games Prediction: 3-4

Das Boot
2013 Record: 6-4 (6-1) (0-3)
Captain: Phil Mears

In the offseason, Das Boot lost four key players to its otherwise solid foundation: utility player P/3B/SS Chris, 3B Jarrod, 2B Gracie and 2B/P Laura. However, Captain Phil Mears has been hard at work cloning CF Josh, so expect to see him/them playing every position on the field while the rest of Das Boot attempts to out-drink Red Lyon from the dugout. A core group of seasoned veterans (i.e. old) still manage this team, and there’s certainly something to say about experience. Salesmen at heart, they’re looking to add a couple people, so the face of this team could certainly change and develop as the season progresses.

Most importantly, the guys and gals who are returning provide a lot of speed and depth. Phil and Josh are incredibly quick base runners, as are the Blairs, Ryan and Aaron. It doesn’t hurt, either, that its two remaining girls, Kylie and Caitlin, are immeasurably talented—Kylie prides herself on the defensive end, and Caitlin prides herself on saying “tight butthole” more than anyone in the league.

First Seven Games Prediction: 5-2

Hurtz Donuts D-Holes, or: the Replay
2013 Record: 7-3 (6-1) (1-2)
Captain: Kris Dover

The Hurtz Donuts will be a slightly different team from years past. While the majority of its familiar faces return, it does see the loss of several players. Third basemen and four-spot kicker Cuinn is no longer with the team; freshman superstar CF Spencer is also no longer available; and the seasoned and lovable Comstocks, Kim and Craig, have both retired their cleats, as well. Losses aside, Captain Dover has had a busy offseason, filling those (donut) holes with Brew Ballers’ CF Colin K., Corksuckers’ unrelenting Ariel L., and Spacepussy’s Alex H.

With those speedy additions, the ever-dangerous Bickel, the all-around-awesome Arianna, Captain Dover has put together what could become a legit Final Four contender.

First Seven Games Prediction: 5-2

Merchants of Death, or: Tellerdactyls
2013 Record: 3-7 (2-5) (1-2)
Captain: Ryan Gaines

Reigning champions of 2013’s Less Awesome Bracket, the Merchants of Death look to make the Tellerdactyls extinct. (Who didn’t see that coming?) Captain Ryan Gaines managed to keep much of his team intact without being too ransacked of players—funny how winning a championship can do that—and looks to return to Tellers’ old championship-winning ways this season. Getting there won’t be easy, though, having to face the newish Hurtz Donuts week one, followed by the Fall Kickball League’s champs the Rats, neither of which will be easy games.

Two of its star girls, Ruby P. and Sammy W. have left, as well as Brian S. (to Love Garden) and Clayton, the team’s power kicker. It does welcome the introduction of two new guys, Eric and Chris, both of whom are experienced soccer and baseball players at the college level. Looking to defend its Less Awesome Championship, the Merchants of Death have plenty of work this season in order to do so.

First Seven Games Prediction: 3-4

Rats
2013 Record: 4-6 (3-4) (1-2)
Captain: Seth Gabbert

In its second year in KVKL, the Rats already have a championship under its tail—in the form of the 2^nd FBKL Championship. Although it isn’t technically a KVKL title, it is the sibling league, and winning against multiple teams full of high-caliber substitutes is no easy task. The Rats showed marked signs of improvement as the season progressed, but that shouldn’t come as a surprise—it already had a season of FBKL experience and has been playing as a group for some time. That said, don’t be surprised if this team breaks into the Top Ten this year. It’s stacked with athletes who can  kick deep and also manufacture runs with line-drives and speed. Captain Seth Gabbert has put together a formidable squad, and the Carrie A. Nation division should keep an eye out for this squad. Last season it struggled to stop runs, so while the defense could be suspect, don’t hold your breath on that, because it looks to challenge the top teams in the division.

First Seven Games Prediction: 5-2

Space Pussy, or: Astro-Kitty
2013 Record: 1-9 (1-6) (0-3)
Captain: Kristin Colahan-Sederstrom

In the collective words of Space Pussy and its new captain, Kristin Colahan-Sederstrom:

“Pussies are returning this year as the mostly entirely STD-free, strongest farm team in the league. Kristin is back as captain, with Eddie Munoz as her co-captain. Because the team has been doing so many kegels this past winter, the rest of the league can expect to see a much smaller, tighter Space Pussy team this year. Those players that were squeezed out to other teams have gone to spread the Pussy love to Screamers, Ghosts and The Late Fees among other KVKL teams. Though smaller in number, expect to see great dancing from the mound from pitcher Jason Gove. Costumes, fake kicks and great heckling from returning founder Joel and KVKL veterans Shannon Cline, Rob Schulte, and the leagues favorite ginger snatch Dan Luckey. There have been a few new additions who will be wearing the ‘BlueBall’ blue uniforms this year: Erin, Sheila, Kevin and Kole. Pussies welcome their newest members into the rockin’ fun league. All the Space Pussies are looking forward to this season with fun on the fields, receiving fair and focused reffing from all other teams and great times with friends in the stands.”

Not much to add to that. Losing Matt Cosgrove is a big hit, but it also had a reported nine one-and-dones who moved onto other teams. Hard to bounce back from that, but having close to 400 people in the dugout lightens the burden.

First Seven Games Prediction: 0-7

Terrebonne Po’ Boys, or: Abraxas, or Star Bar Barracudas
2013 Record: 8-2 (7-0) (1-2) — KVKL Champions
Captain: Kris Marshall

Having won two of the past three KVKL Championships, the newly named Terrabonne Po’ Boys look to return the majority of its players, “with one major exception,” according to Captain Kris Marshall. “We are losing two of our talented females. [. . .] The two Laurens—2B Lauren Kohn and SS/2B Lauren Adams—will not be playing this season due to commitments more important than kickball,” whatever that is. Hard as it may be to replace such kickass ladies, the Terrabonne Po’ Boys have picked up Cathe Decena, “an enormous off-season pickup who has made tremendous strides as a kickballer and will be a valuable asset because she brings a lot of experience on highly competitive teams,” as well as a young rookie, Jesse Campbell, a so-called work in progress. As for the guys, nearly everyone from the championship squad returns, aside from 1B Caleb S.

Regarding the name change, Captain Kris reasons: “From a personal point of view, changing names is fantastic for two reasons: 1.) It allows me to recall what happened in a given year much easier—including new additions to our team, significant plays or games, etc.; and 2.) I like getting our local businesses involved in our ever growing league.” Makes sense.

Expect another deep run from this team, particularly in what could be the “weakest” Carrie A. Nation division. While Das Boot and Hurtz Donuts have plenty of returnees, its new faces could take a few games to acclimate to their new roles and responsibilities—which could also be exploited by an experienced championship team.

Up To Eleven Late Fees, or: Liberty Hall
2013 Record: 4-6 (3-4) (1-2)
Captain: Mick Cottin

In a bold move, second-year teammate Jackie Becker has purchased the Liberty Hall Late Fees from Captain Mick Cottin, co-owner of the Mario Chalmersiz. What this means for the team is . . . unknown. The team itself, however, has not changed aside from the acquisition of Space Pussy’s wily and antic-fueled Joe Noh. Unable to defend its Less Awesome Championship last season, the team vows to have more than the rest of KVKL, although how that is determined is . . . also unknown. Generally capable of putting up runs, it struggles to stop them on the defensive end, allowing more than 7 in all but two games during the regular season. A tough slate against the presumed top three teams in the Carrie A. Nation in the first four games won’t be easy and could affect the amount of in-game fun the Fees are having, but a strong finish in the latter half might be the push it needs going into Rank Pool play.

First Seven Games Prediction: 2-5